The Battle to Please: Birthday vs Wedding

On my way to work this morning I was thinking about weddings in general and the desire to try to please as many people as you can. I know it's an age old wedding cliche "you can't please everyone, remember, it's your day... worry about pleasing yourself" but I've really yet to meet anyone that hasn't considered his/her guests at all. There absolutely is a desire to make everyone happy during planning.

So I'm on my way to work this morning and it occurs to me, why do we constantly try to make everyone happy on your wedding day but tend to focus solely on ourselves for our birthdays? It seems like we're very much more selfish with our desires when we plan birthday parties rather than wedding receptions. Both days are referred to as "your day" yet when wedding planning I find that we always straddle the fence thinking about what you want vs. thinking about what you think your guests want.

For instance when planning a birthday party if you decide to do everything in a mexican theme - you do it. You don't consider a slew of guests that you know don't love mexican food. And you know what? They show up anyway, and they have a good time. A few years ago (admittedly only 1 year removed from college) I decided I wanted a beer pong birthday party. So you know what I did? I scheduled a beer pong birthday party. I'm absolutely positively sure that the majority of girls AND germaphobic friends I invited to this party did not like beer pong and most likely didn't play beer pong that night. But you know what... I didn't even consider that at the time. It didn't even occur to me.... because it was my birthday. Additionally that birthday was a BLAST. Long story short, Rebecca got so drunk she fell out of a cab in front of my Dad after meeting him for the first time. It was hilarious and will go down in history as one of the best birthday parties ever..... and it was planned by someone who only took his necessities into consideration.

Now nearly 5 years later I'm helping plan our wedding. I can unequivocally say that we've put way more consideration into pleasing our guests than I have planning any other event. Even though we loved our venue the moment we saw it, we agonized putting our deposit down for weeks because it may not be the most convenient option for our guests. If this was a birthday party, we would would have put our deposit down on the spot told our friends to come, and not thought twice about it.

The good news is that looking back at our wedding plans and details there's really nothing I would change. At the end of the day we've spent the majority of our time assessing what WE want and I feel like we've done a beautiful job conjuring up a wedding that is very "us". The only thing that I think we would have gained had we viewed our wedding as a birthday is peace of mind. We maybe would have made a decision, stuck to it, and never looked back. Instead of thinking about our menu, rethinking our menu, triple thinking about our menu, saying, "Hmm, do you think people at the wedding will eat duck at the wedding, we REALLY love it but do you think others eat duck?", we would have said "It's our birthday and we know we love duck! Tell everyone we're having duck! If they don't like duck they can pick around it and eat salad and whatever else they can get full on - or they can fill up on alcohol!".

So my question to everyone out there, why is there a difference between birthday party planning and wedding planning in terms of desire to please everyone? I know that a wedding is a celebration that is shared by our parents so a lot of times we take them and their friends into consideration as well. In our case both sets of parents have constantly said "Do what you two want! We'll love it". At the end of the day, we have... we've stressed and rethought things 100 different ways, but at the end of the day we definitely have crafted a day that's uniquely ours. I know that in a lot of scenarios you're asking people to fly cross country or travel to your wedding and you're asking them to spend their hard earned money to come to your wedding...I completely get that. Is it because we're so concerned with presenting ourselves perfectly? Is it the competition and the constant one game of outdoing someone else? So what is the the real reason? Is it because we have a birthday every year? If we completely fuck one year up, it doesn't matter... we always have next year to make it better. 50% of the time this is the only wedding you're going to plan. So there's more stress to not just screw the pooch... is that why there's more stress and more desire to please everyone?!

Just the Tip

Rebecca and I are working through our wedding budget right now and something that we've had in the back of our minds, but really haven't accounted for, is tipping. SO, we've been cutting back on our up front wedding costs so we can appropriately tip vendors as needed.

My question to anyone that has wedding experience, or anyone that is engaged and has been thinking about tips: Who do you tip and how much should one generally tip? (let's assume everyone hired does a geat job!)

I know that I'll most likely get a comment that just has a link to another wedding site w/ a blog titled "Here's how to tip!" but I would really love to hear your thoughts on tipping your vendors. It'd be great to get any personal advice you may have! Help us!

Navy Seal Proposal - yay, nay, or effing NAY!

I came across this video today of a Navy Seal proposing to his girlfriend at the premiere of the "movie" 'When in Rome'. Apparently he won a contest from Robbins Bros and decided it was a great idea to propose on the red carpet.



Look, I know the guy could pummel me to a pulp, but I think this is a proposal FAIL. I have to know what you all think. It doesn't even seem like the fiance is happy.

Look I'm protected behind the beautiful cloak of the internet so I can say what I'd like about this guy and unless he REALLY wants to use his navy seal talents, I'm safe. She looks horrified and looks like she doesn't know what to do. As if watching 'When in Rome' wasn't torture enough, she's going to have to figure out how to tell this guy she only said 'yes' because there were hundreds of photographers taking her picture.

Lastly I just think the "hey, will you marry me" line just didn't seem well thought out. OR maybe it was EXTREMELY thought out - and that's all he could come up with - and it's a terrible proposal....

Oh! But if you are the Navy Seal that just happened to stumble upon this post cause you googled yourself and wanted to see the coverage you're getting... jussssst kidding!!!!!!! Congratulations on your engagement! You two are PERFECT for one another. SO romantic. I'm misty eyed!

Trimming the Guest List

I'm not a hoarder, I promise, but I do have trouble throwing things away. When we moved last September, Rebecca "helped" me donate a lot of clothes and items I haven't worn or used in years. I somehow grow these emotional bonds with THINGS.

Me: You can't throw those away, those were the first jeans that I ever bought that made me really start to like jeans again!
Rebecca: When was the last time you could fit into them?
Me: My junior year of college.
Rebecca: They have a giant hole in the crotch, even if you could fit into them, you wouldn't wear them.
Me: We're keeping them. I loved them.

That conversation happened over and over again with item after item: electronics, shoes, magazines, movie tickets, etc etc etc.

Now, I'm at a crossroads. We need to carve into our invite list, but I don't know how to do that. Our perfect guest list, with which I've grown attached, needs to be trimmed. Each guest is on that list for a reason - we consider them close friends or family. That being said, we need to get rid of some people. I'm not good at this.

Does anyone have tips on how to weed through the guest list? I need help.

Asking the guys to join the party.

I have a question for anyone out there with answers: Is there a non-cheesy way of asking a friend to partake in your wedding?

I've been sitting staring at a blank unwritten email for the last few days trying to craft a letter to a few friends about the wedding. There is absolutely no way to do this that doesn't sound like I want to make love to each and every one of them. Funny thing is that I don't even want them to be in the wedding (we're not having a big wedding party) I just want them to hang out with me during the day of, get ready with me, be ushers at the wedding, and take a few photos with me.

I'm getting married in August, so is it too soon to send out this email? I'm afraid that it's going to launch us into a thread of making-fun-of-me emails with speeds Nigerian spammers would be envious of. (Which reminds me, before I send out this email to my guy friends I need to claim money that an unknown relative left me in Nigeria, I'm apparently the only heir to the millions.)

Is this something I shouldn't even ask over email? Do guys actually pick up the phone and have a heart to heart with someone before asking him to be in the wedding? That sounds worse than the email! Do I need to schedule something kind of overly masculine with them and sneak the question in somehow? For instance maybe I should pull a belt off my car's engine, have a friend over to fix it, and then be like "Dude, this fan belt is like insane. We should hang out on my wedding day." This is almost WORSE that I'm not asking them to be in the wedding, that would be a nice honor... instead I'm asking my friends to hang out with me and take pictures with me so I can verify I do, in fact, know people and have friends.

Help.

Suit Shopping

I'm not ready to buy my Wedding Day Suit, but I at least want to start browsing what's out there. I know that I want something more tailored and form fitting yet a little on the casual side. Something I can wear with sneakers. I've always seen myself in a light gray suit. Rebecca is hoping for a 3 piece suit, and I think that sounds good too, but I'm not opposed to a 2 piece if it's the right suit.

I do know that I want the suit to be something special though. Anyone have any cool places to look for a suit other than the usual Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, K&G, JCrew options. I think I saw something on Etsy where you can have a custom suit made for a REALLY great price...I'll have to find that seller again.

Guys, what did you wear to your wedding? Gals, what did your husband wear?

Dress Code

Can someone please explain to me what all the different dress codes mean? I mean I know that black tie means dress fancy, but what falls under the category of black tie? Tux? A dark suit with a white shirt and a black tie? If it says "Black tie optional" what are my options?! I know I can probably find this online somewhere if I google it, but that wouldn't be fun for the rest of us and I would be depriving people all over who are as clueless as I am!

Black tie, black tie optional, semi-formal, cocktail attire, formal, semi-casual, business attire.... the list goes on and on... Someone please come to the rescue and solve the riddle!

Wedding Checklist

I got the email from "The Knot" - we've got 1 year until our wedding. While many people will scoff and say that that's an eternity of planning time, I start to feel like we're behind. Is that ridiculous?

Here's what we've gotten done:
- Picked a wedding date
- Committed mentally & financially to a venue
- Rebecca has her dress
- We've both got our wedding rings
- We have a Rabbi
- I bought a screen printer to do our invitations
- Picked colors

Here's the major stuff we have to do:
- Book a photographer (anyone know any good up and comers that need a wedding under his/her belt and would love to get some good ol' blog advertising?!)
- Book dueling pianist (see above parenthetical)
- Create invitations, wedding info website, & save the dates
- Think about wedding decorations (centerpieces, chupa, etc)
- Register for gifts (how far before the wedding do people do this? I'm thinking it's when the save the dates go out?)

I'm sure there's a ton that I'm forgetting that we have to do... and I bet Ms. Temple of Groom will remind me of stuff that we've done that I didn't list. This is just the stuff that's on my mind.

So, don't hold back... how behind are we? Tell me like it is... I don't need you to sugarcoat.

To Drink or Not to Drink...

My poll got me thinking... will I drink at my wedding? Ms Temple of Groom vows that she'll likely only have 1 drink (probably just a glass of champagne). I, on the other hand, am leaning towards being a little buzzed. How often will I ever have all of my friends and loved ones in one room together partying? I think I'm definitely going to keep myself in line, but I think I'm going to let loose a little. If I have to dance all night, then I better be tipsy...I find my groove WAY easier.

Anyone have an opinion about this? Did you drink at your wedding?

What's in a name?

Anyone else hate the word "fiancé"? I mean look at it. It even LOOKS smug.

Every time I talk about Ms. Temple of Groom I despise knowing that somewhere in the upcoming sentence I'll have to use the word fiancé. I really wish there was another word that described what she is.

Possible options presented to me have been terrible. Future wife and bride to be seem to be the alternates. Terrible. She's going to kill me for this, but I'm totally guilty of calling her my girlfriend after we got engaged. Not on accident either. Because I feel like SUCH a jerk when I say "fiancé". I'm definitely not hiding the fact that I'm engaged, and I truly love that I am, so if this is one of the rules in "He's just not that into you" give me a break.

Does anyone like this word? I even hate typing it on my phone because it keeps auto correcting me and adding the damn accent over the "e". What a jerk this word is. Any suggestions other than "get over it Dave"?

Rehearsal Dinner guest list

Who gets an invite to the rehearsal dinner? While the true answer is "invite whomever you want", there seem to be several schools of thought on the issue.

1. Invite only those in the wedding party
2. Invite those in the wedding party and out of town guests
3. Invite those in the wedding party, close family not in the wedding, and out of town guests
4. Invite everyone

It seems while the economy has fallen on tough times, the rehearsal dinner is something that has fallen under the budget cutting knife. People seem to be scaling way back on the rehearsal dinner. Right now I see and agree with all sides of this debate. One minute I understand the importance of having a big rehearsal dinner with a large guest list, then the next I question why you have to throw a mini-wedding reception the night before the wedding reception. That's why I'm turning to you... help me. What are your thoughts on rehearsal dinner guest lists?

Back to Work

Brides, how do you possibly plan a wedding while you have a job? I've been back to work for the last 2 days and have looked at zero of my wedding planning blogs.

How do you do it?

While I'm thinking about gifts...

...what are some "off the beaten track" items you registered for? Anything fun other than new plates/silverware/blenders?

If not, what's been the best thing you registered for? Was there anything on your list that you said "No way in hell someone will buy that for us" and next thing you knew it was delivered to your place?

Holiday Weekend Wedding?

With Memorial Day weekend just ending, I've got holiday weekends on the mind. What does everyone think about having a wedding (or attending a wedding) on a holiday weekend? We're thinking of having our wedding on Labor Day weekend of 2010. Before you call us jerks, hear me out...

You have to keep in mind that it's tough for Jews because we can't get married on Saturday unless it's like an hour after sun down. SO if you do that, then you're getting married at like 8pm, having a cocktail hour from 8:30-9:30, then starting the reception. Many places we've looked require music to be cut off at 10pm. So, there goes the party.

So we want to get married on a Sunday. But then it's tough for family/friends back east. They come out here, have to take a Monday off work.....so a holiday weekend is what we're thinking.

I know it makes travel a little more pricey...but it may be our only option to have a wedding people can attend. What does everyone think? Are Holiday Weekend weddings okay?

Wedding Location Questions

This weekend Ms. Temple of Groom and I will visit our first potential wedding venue. That's pretty exciting! I think the location looks great, but I seriously don't want to get my hopes up. There's gotta be a deal breaker we've yet to discover! How could we have missed the giant painted swastika on the front of the building?! Damn it.

Anyway, I'll tell you the location after we put in the deposit because I don't want to jinx everything before we even see it! Even if we hate it, at least we'll have fun taking our newly immune pup on a mini road trip (Ernie gets his last shot on Wednesday!).

So I want to head to the location looking like a pro. Therefore, I need everyone's help! What do I need to know when location shopping? What are some good questions to ask? What were some mistakes you made when you venue shopped? What do you wish you had asked? What did you ask that saved the day? I obviously know to take a million pictures, but what else am I missing? I don't want to get in the car and head home wishing we had looked at something we missed.