Monday, August 2, 2010

What to do?

I've got so many damn things to post about. Just a few days away from the wedding I don't have any shortage of things to talk about. So many awesome great things to type and the excitement is really setting in.

That being said, I need to get something off my chest because right now I'm really upset. One of my all time best friends just wrote me an email telling me he's not coming to my wedding. Thanks for the 6 days of notice. He says he's just got budget issues right now and can't afford to come out here. That would have been a great and fine excuse had it come 2 months ago when our invitations were sent. I definitely understand and empathize. However, all this tells me is that he obviously had no intentions to come if he's looking to score cheap airfare a week before the wedding. Of course it won't fit in your budget if you're just planning the trip now!

My question to you, is do I write him an email to let him know how I really feel? Tell him how upset this makes me, or do I just swallow this, and type back something along the lines of "okay, we'll miss you"? I keep going back and forth in my head. On one hand what will an email really telling him I'm upset accomplish? He'll feel bad, will I feel better? Is it worth it? On the other hand, what he did isn't okay, and he should know, right? I just don't know what to do. This really sucks that I have to even think about this a few days before the wedding.

What should I do?


  1. Just write "OK, we'll miss you." Don't get snotty. Yes, you are hurt, but you really have NO IDEA what his financial situation is. Particularly in our current economic times, it would unfair and downright rude to make any assumptions. He might have been stalking airfares 2 months ago and they were too expensive for him then. He might have been waiting and stalking for a last minute deal - to no avail. You don't know for sure and to assume is a BAD IDEA.
    I had a handful of similar things happen and it sucked. I wanted the people to know just how lame it is to dump bullshit on the bride and groom at the last possible minute. I get how you feel.
    The reality is that on your wedding day, you totally won't give a shit. It will be about the people who are there, not the people who aren't. Try not to take it personally. I know it's hard, but try.
    And, if you're snotty in an email, it might just spark a whole thing that you really don't want to happen. Trust me on this - it happens. And it's not fun. Be the bigger dude and just tell him how sad you are about his absence and call it a day. You have bigger things to worry about!

  2. Thanks for the advice @Thirty-Something. It's just tough. I'm not making assumptions about his financial status - there have been PLENTY of people who couldn't attend the wedding for financial reasons and we definitely understood. If anyone understands financial woes right now, it's me!

    That being said, he said he just spent too much money on his 2 week European vacation he just got back from! I think you've got valid points on just saying "okay, we'll miss you", and I think at the end of the day you're right.... The reason I'm upset is because I don't think he really ever had intentions on coming, but just wanted it to appear like he tried.

    Anyway - I really appreciate the advice, and I think that's the way I'm leaning as well... I'm just upset since he's one of my all time closest friends.

  3. I agree. I mean, totally write a super snotty letter that doesn't get delivered, but deal with the actual communicating of those feelings later, when they've had more time to marinate and you aren't just about to get married. Right now, just focus on you, your bride, and the people who ARE there. That's my 2 cents, anyway. Good luck & mozel tov!

  4. Best thing you can do is just say "Really sorry to hear that, we'll miss you." It won't make you feel any better to tear this guy a new one, despite how much you may want to. Just be the bigger person and wipe it off your shoulder. I know that's easier said than done, but believe me, in the long run of things, you'll feel better about it.

    As far as spending too much on his European vacation? Sounds like a tool to me. But then again, I don't know the guy.

    I stand by my advice to just blow it off. You have much more important things to worry about: like marrying the girl of your dreams! *:)

  5. I would call him instead of just e-mailing and just let him know that you're pretty bummed out about this and you were really looking forward to seeing him.

    Maybe he'd like to come out and see you guys in a few months when he has some more money and can spend a fun weekend with the two of you.

  6. I would suggest a compromise... Don't be snotty, do tell him he'll be missed, but be honest and say you're surprised he had waited so long to try and make reservations. Of course, the written word can be tricky because it can always be misinterpreted. So, try to be gracious rather than snotty or angry (go through a draft or two before you send) but I think it's totally legit to ask why and/or express your feelings of disappointment.

    That said, 30-something bride is right that you'll hardly have a chance to notice on your wedding day. Not that he won't be missed, but you'll be having such an awesome time and will be so overwhelmed by the love of your friends and family there with you that it won't cast a pall over your big day. Good luck!

  7. ah, just saw the new comments -- a phone call is a great idea! takes away a lot of the risk of being misread. it's also a good point that you don't have to deal with it now. But I would definitely try to discuss your real feelings with your friend so it doesn't grow over time into a grudge or awkwardness or something. Ok, I'm done now :)

  8. I'm with the "Sorry, we'll miss you" crowd. Not because it feels good to say it, (in fact you'll have some pent up aggression toward him next time you see him probably), but one of my best friends stepped down from my wedding party (as a groomsman) because he said he couldn't support our union. He thought we weren't right for each other. This was seven years ago. I said, "Thanks for being honest. It's probably not a good idea for you to be in the party then. If you still want to come, you can join us at the reception as a guest though." A year later, he apologized, then EMPHATICALLY apologized to my better half and thanked us for being gracious about it as opposed to chastising him for feeling that way.

    Dude, I was PISSED. I could've killed him. You don't SUPPORT our marriage?? Go to hell!

    But now he's one of our closest friends because (for some reason, I still am not clear on) I chose to let it go at that time. Let it go, you'll be glad you didn't make it as big of an issue to him as it feels to you.

  9. My first reaction was that you should just leave it be so as not to damage your friendship. I see it on wedding forums, blog comments, and in magazine advice columns all the time; people will not put their lives (and vacations) on hold in order to afford attending your wedding, even if they are very close to you. And in the midst of wedding planning, it seems like a slap in the face, even if logically you know it's irrelevant to get upset about it. The good news is that the day is truly about the two of you and your families and the ceremony, and the reception and friend attendance is only one small slice of the day's importance.

    I do completely agree with the other commenters that you will not notice; your attention that day will be on your lovely bride and your commitment to one another, and everybody who attends is there to support you and help you celebrate.

    Perhaps a compromise would be to be genuine. I agree with sweetheartbeats: send an email that says you're sorry and really disappointed that he won't be able to share your wedding day with you, but offer a heartfelt invitation for your friend to visit you in your home once his finances allow for another trip. The important thing is sharing part of your life with your friends, and it could give you something to look forward to after all the wedding festivities calm down.

    Have a wonderful wedding! I can't wait to see pictures!

  10. I would say that if he really was a great friend, he would know about and be reading your blog! Which would leave no reason to say anything at all. Clearly he isn't or you don't realize he is... but none the less I agree with the others. A full release of your feelings will only make things worse and cause more unnecessary stress before your wedding, you have a tan to worry about. So move on, and get back by having the most amazing time ever. He will regret it when he sees the pictures.