It's definitely not nerves or cold feet - I'm scared that I'm going to either physically or cosmetically fuck myself up before the wedding. By the way, I'm totally writing this blog post as I wear a crest white strip on my teeth. I have 27 more minutes to finish up before I have to go take this off.
People, I'm downright nervous to leave the house. Every time someone cuts me off on the freeway I ask myself if this is the asshole that's going to ruin me for my wedding. I keep waiting for that giant underground zit that I get on my nose from time to time to rear its ugly face. So, I wash my face thoroughly... but can I overwash my face? I'm scared of that too.
I've been taking a vitamin that my parents got me a few months ago called Purple Defense. I have no idea what's in it, and for all I know it could probably just be crushed up kool aid powder - but honestly it helped me fight off a sore throat last week. I haven't gotten my annual cold yet this year. When I get a cold, I get a fucking cold. I do it right. I'm anticipating getting one on friday and it scares the shit out of me.
A few weeks ago I planned my bachelor party. I will post more about that later this week, but basically I rounded up about 20 of my friends on a saturday morning and we played flag football on a high school football field. Oddly enough I wasn't really scared that I would hurt myself there because it would be TOO perfect. Of course the groom that schedules a football game when he's lost 85% of his athleticism would get hurt at the party... it was just too perfect so I actually wasn't scared. BUT you can bet your ass I was afraid running down the stairs of my house to leave for the game. A trip and a fall because I was too excited to go play ball seems like it would be perfectly fitting. Side note, the game was fun and I couldn't move for a week because my muscles were so sore, but it was great.
Lastly I'm completely fearful to go outside without a proper SPF because I do burn pretty easily. That's what I want, my face to be peeling the morning of my wedding. On the complete other side of the spectrum I'm nervous to stay IN the house because my white pasty face can and will only get pastier... there's no way to win here. I guess the only way to win is to stay inside and then get someone to come in and fake tan me! You think I'm joking but I'm completely serious. I recently had a conversation with Chris from The Man Registry about tanning. He said that while he doesn't want to out any of his friends, he's known quite a few guys that have tanned before the wedding. I think it's a pretty solid idea. I'm worried about looking orange, but I think I've found someone incredible that could potentially do a great job. Her name is Jenna and she runs a company called Here Comes the Sun. The name is worth hiring her alone. She'll come to the house so I don't have to be seen sneaking in and out of a tanning salon. I'm really considering this because she PROMISES me it'll be completely natural. A few weeks ago she tanned the wedding party of a wedding I attended, and they all looked natural.
SO, all that being said, I'm kind of ready to purchase a giant bubble, a hazmat suit, or ANYTHING else that will shield me away from society for the next week. I refuse to touch shopping carts with my bare hands, and prior to eating food from any restaurant, I think I'm going to need to talk with the cooks to make sure they aren't, haven't been, or getting sick. I'm seriously freaked out. Is this normal before the wedding?
Comment away. I'm going to go take off my crest white strip and I'll be back to see if you all think I'm crazy.