Monday, August 2, 2010

Bubble Boy

The wedding is officially "THIS WEEKEND". You have no idea how in-fucking-sane that feels to say that. I'm getting exponentially more excited as each day passes, but at the same time I'm getting exponentially more scared.

It's definitely not nerves or cold feet - I'm scared that I'm going to either physically or cosmetically fuck myself up before the wedding. By the way, I'm totally writing this blog post as I wear a crest white strip on my teeth. I have 27 more minutes to finish up before I have to go take this off.

People, I'm downright nervous to leave the house. Every time someone cuts me off on the freeway I ask myself if this is the asshole that's going to ruin me for my wedding. I keep waiting for that giant underground zit that I get on my nose from time to time to rear its ugly face. So, I wash my face thoroughly... but can I overwash my face? I'm scared of that too.

I've been taking a vitamin that my parents got me a few months ago called Purple Defense. I have no idea what's in it, and for all I know it could probably just be crushed up kool aid powder - but honestly it helped me fight off a sore throat last week. I haven't gotten my annual cold yet this year. When I get a cold, I get a fucking cold. I do it right. I'm anticipating getting one on friday and it scares the shit out of me.

A few weeks ago I planned my bachelor party. I will post more about that later this week, but basically I rounded up about 20 of my friends on a saturday morning and we played flag football on a high school football field. Oddly enough I wasn't really scared that I would hurt myself there because it would be TOO perfect. Of course the groom that schedules a football game when he's lost 85% of his athleticism would get hurt at the party... it was just too perfect so I actually wasn't scared. BUT you can bet your ass I was afraid running down the stairs of my house to leave for the game. A trip and a fall because I was too excited to go play ball seems like it would be perfectly fitting. Side note, the game was fun and I couldn't move for a week because my muscles were so sore, but it was great.

Lastly I'm completely fearful to go outside without a proper SPF because I do burn pretty easily. That's what I want, my face to be peeling the morning of my wedding. On the complete other side of the spectrum I'm nervous to stay IN the house because my white pasty face can and will only get pastier... there's no way to win here. I guess the only way to win is to stay inside and then get someone to come in and fake tan me! You think I'm joking but I'm completely serious. I recently had a conversation with Chris from The Man Registry about tanning. He said that while he doesn't want to out any of his friends, he's known quite a few guys that have tanned before the wedding. I think it's a pretty solid idea. I'm worried about looking orange, but I think I've found someone incredible that could potentially do a great job. Her name is Jenna and she runs a company called Here Comes the Sun. The name is worth hiring her alone. She'll come to the house so I don't have to be seen sneaking in and out of a tanning salon. I'm really considering this because she PROMISES me it'll be completely natural. A few weeks ago she tanned the wedding party of a wedding I attended, and they all looked natural.

SO, all that being said, I'm kind of ready to purchase a giant bubble, a hazmat suit, or ANYTHING else that will shield me away from society for the next week. I refuse to touch shopping carts with my bare hands, and prior to eating food from any restaurant, I think I'm going to need to talk with the cooks to make sure they aren't, haven't been, or getting sick. I'm seriously freaked out. Is this normal before the wedding?

Comment away. I'm going to go take off my crest white strip and I'll be back to see if you all think I'm crazy.


  1. I bought Crest White Strips too. For our engagement photos. I think the crazy is normal and I will be circling around for the real name of those vitamins after the wedding, for when my real crazy strikes.

    As for tanning, I am the whitest person alive. I do not recommend fake tanning before the wedding of you are also really pasty right now since the orange can be terrifying. IF (and only IF) you have time, you can buy some expensive 10 minute sessions for a few consecutive days for real tanning (initial sessions are short so you don't burn). But really, no one will care or notice if you miss it. Promise. So if you don't have time, don't go out of your way to fit in a few tanning sessions at the last minute.

    As for the other versions of crazy, I will also be obsessing about it all, right up until the day. I think it's normal, and I think zen will finally strike when you get up to the site in a few days.

    So happy for you both.

  2. Nah, you're not crazy. I am super pasty and was really paranoid about inadvertently getting a farmer's tan (or a tan line of any sort) while driving or walking around for about a month before the wedding. It was hot as Hades here and I would walk around with a shawl over my shoulders or wrapped around my neck, basically covering any bare spots, if I stepped out for lunch or whatever. I felt a little nuts, but I happily avoided any funny lines. Look at my profile pic -- super pale! but that's ok, better than orange I say.

  3. This made me laugh, a lot, and I appreciate that. What will make you sick for sure though, is stressing about fake tans and white teeth. So relax, soak in all the wedding wonderful-ness, and enjoy this week! Stop thinking about things going wrong, or they inevitably will. I do hope this blog continues post wedding as I just found it today and I am always in need of wedding amusement while I plan. Congrats to you both!

  4. Ahh, hang in there! This is really normal...For anyone dealing with an important event. My best advise for you is warm baths and relaxing drinks, and yes, a few extra vitamins so that you don't stress your immune system out.

    And don't forget to have fun....It's going to be awesome, no matter what. It is your attitude that determines the day.

    Good luck! I'm rooting for you. :)

  5. this made me LOL so hard... yeah, I think this is normal. It's just pre-wedding nerves, everyone gets them, it just manifests itself differently in different people - and this is the way it got you!

  6. If the only skin people are gonna see is your face & hands, and the rest of you will be covered by a suit, why bother tanning? Seems like a lot of risk for not much reward. Better to go natural.

    As for your concerns about injuring yourself...protect your face & hands at all costs. I recommend incorporating a football helmet and mittens into your daily outfits from now until the wedding. Good luck Dave!!!!

  7. Don't over-wash your will dry out and then start producing extra oil to compensate and you will break out. Wash twice a day and use some oil free moisturizer.

  8. Congrats... Ive been following your blog for a long time and i would be ashamed if i didn't at least tell you congrats.

  9. How are you feeling now? All tanned up with no sore throat, I'm sure. One more day!

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  11. Hell getting married aint the bit you should be scared of.. it's the long downward spiral after you should be scared of ;)

  12. Rebecca's advice of not washing the face too often works. It's a good advice.